valentine

There’s a macy’s in appleton and I really want to go and get mac makeup so either when I get my own car or go with Noah I think I will. (That is if he doesn’t hate me too at that point.) Even Gerard way wears it! That must make it good, it can withstand a sweaty hairy man face. So Catlin Schulz and I got into the last and final fight. I was the bigger person. I walked away and blocked her ugly fucking fat ass. I hope she fucking rots in her ugly apartment with no friends, shitty boyfriend and huge nasty ugly ass. I felt pissed that she treated me that way (along with everyone else) ever so I started listening to Elliott smith and considered getting mean or sad. I didn’t do either. I’m still choked up but that’s because I was reading about Elliott’s suicide. I learned that facts don’t matter anymore. You can put your own fucking spin on 2+2 and make it equal raping donkey intestines if you please. The republicans are the best at this fact desecrating and so is Catie. Whatever fucking bitch I was over that shit years ago. I was only friends with her because she shoved me down her throat. So I guess I’ll sit here and listen to white shoes because I’m not in the mood to do homework, clean, or sleep. I’m also not in the mood to be responsible or discover new songs by the artists I know already, a first. It felt so empowering to think my body is okay the other day. My body is barley Wisconsin okay. I need to loose 20 pounds. I know I could do it if I didn’t have a job and I didn’t care about my hair or muscles. Starving is easy. When you starve yourself long enough you start throwing up which doubles the weight loss. Sad that I know that. Sad is my shitty life. I can’t stop clenching my face muscles and I’m getting wicked tension headaches because of it. I’m so stressed out and Conor is so far away I wish the dreams I have would come true, well some of them. I don’t need those flying dreams or the ones where I fuck guys I knew in high school. Fuck that. I want the ones where I meet him in some freak way and we fall madly in love. I would also take the ones where I’m not near water I’m sure there were only three of those… I would take the dream where I lived in a town of light and I was in love with a girl who had spider legs for eyelashes. I wouldn’t take the dreams where I kill everyone, I’m lost on a wharf, or getting chased. I’d definitely rather take allot of them though, I’d take them rather than this life. fuck this shit

that last entry was a real downer… shit, brb.

okay took a shower totally groomed and everything. Went up stairs to find out my brother changed his computer password. I give up at school. IT IS FUCKING OBVIOUS BY NOW THAT I SHOULD JUST GIVE UP AT SCHOOL AND LIFE AND FRIENDS. I’M CONTEMPLATING THE WHOLE SLEEPING PILL THING. THERE’S NOTHING REALLY KEEPING ME ALIVE. HELL IT WOULD HELP EVERYONE IF I DIED. NO MORE SUPPORTING MY COMPLETELY WORTHLESS SELF. I hate hate hate myself and I’m too ashamed to go upstairs for the pills. I’m just sitting in my room with the blinds closed and the fan on. If you knew me you would go over and open the blinds because I hate the dark. but no-one is here. This is a cry for help. No one will hear it but I’ve been screaming since middle school. I’ve been screaming I hate this place, this school, these people, myself, most of all myself. I loathe me, why don’t I fight back? I give up. If I don’t get the guts to take the pills I’ll just stop eating because at least then I’ll be skinny. I’m back where I started no friends, asshole family, stranded nowhere.

I HATE THIS, I ALWAYS HAVE, ALWAYS WILL.

fuck.

I don’t know what to do.

why fucking why why why.

today went to the zoo and walked all day, then ran. I’m exhausted….

I am so depressed about the following year that I don’t know what to do.

I need help….

I neeeeed help

finished horton hears a who…..

randomly put together entry I don’t care.

FUCK

I NEED TO GET PISSED AND FUCKING DO EVERYTHING I’VE PUT OFF.

holy shit… I hate my life right now…. I’ve been trying to live in the moment and it doesn’t work. I get so depressed when I realize I’ll be all alone….

fuck I feel my blood boil,

skin crackle,

burn

fuck, I am going to be screwed. I screwed myself.

See, the luck I’ve had could turn a good turn man bad.

So for once in my let me get what I want, lord knows it would be the first time.

Please please please let me get what I want, lord knows it would be the first time.

Man I have such a crush on this Gillan kid okay the only reason I’m talking about him is because I was lazy tonight and there was a spider in the bathroom. I’m like minding my bussiness deciding wether my makeup is still sweet enough to take pics in and this little fucker… waddles? crawls… uh… tip toes…. haha tap dances (ron weasley) over to me and I’m so lazy I hairsprayed him. Of course my sister bought the flexible spray not the firm hold (useless bitch, haah) so he like starts running, stops and then starts again. I don’t know.. I just left. I felt bad after I sprayed him the first time.

cool story bro.

anyway so I avoided the WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITHOUT US speech like 4 times. It was so rad. I was like a greased up deaf guy, to steal a stupid family guy pun. I think it’s a little conceited that they think I’ll die with out them… I have other friends.

What does benizzle think of molay? I mean see in her wtf? weird

I think I still like you, but then I look at you again…. and then I think it again anyway… I hate it. I have you wrapped around my finger everywhere else… but in that one arena you call the shots. Bullshit. I’m not going to eat for you.

I don’t understand my head or being grown up. I sabotage every adult thing I do.

I’ll never succeed. I want to be president but that is out of my leauge.

Man I’m listening to simon and garfunkel, wtf.

I think I’ll put on some shorts and go kill some shit on fable.

I drove twice today and my mom chased the dog around growling at it.

I’m getting so good at driving you’d be proud.

hmmm It is really comforting to think that you know. I almost cried.

Blah I watched zack and miri make a porno and tropic thunder. I  talked to mike…. he’s out of minutes, haha oh tracfones.

um… So today was funny I drove to mollys and we sat there and her dog like shit everywhere! so fucking sick I put my bag in it and she was like rolling in it! She had it on her shirt and pants and I asked her if it was chocolate like I didn’t already know. c’est tres genial. anyway hmmm…

then I was like JACOB SOS YOU SOB and he came after he showered because all molly did was like um tread my fucking anger ice and take facebook quizzes I’m like bitch I could stay home and do this! so not cool.

We drove around and cob bitched his cubbie full. wow weirdest sentance, that. we went to t bell like t hanks, lolz. okand then greise and he pushed me down and I chased him annd he was like so fast. then he dropped me and moll off like then we watched degrassi and talked. She actually didn’t make me that angry.

BUT I STILL FELT LIKE A LAST RESORT.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TILDAS YEAH!

I HATE HOW I’M LISTENING TO REGINA SPEKTOR AND THEN ALLL OF SUDDEN THE SONG TURNS INTO A GODDAMN RUSSIAN GOSPEL, JESUS CHRIST.

/capslock

love you, where ever you are.

with a funny heart,

Caryatid

long time no see, I started a 43 things, yay goals! Hopefully I can do shit I’m proud of now…

I ordered my necklace and cord today, yay! NOT YAY ACTUALLY WHICH I CAN’T FUCKING SPELL RIGHT LIKE PROBABLLY, PROBABLLY. It better work. I wish I had an I-pod right now.

Psh I started on this whole tampons b.s and guess fucking what, it rocks… and I’m like saving the enviorment one period at a time, haha tmi, imginary/nosey people, I know! whateves fools.

So jacon baconator got pissed royally the other day when I talked to him cause I still had fucking delusions that marylin manson was working on alice wonderland oops. What a d-bag. I found a guy so much like him on okcupid and man was he hot. We had allot more in common though i guess. I went into the stupid comparison part and it made me sound like a horny violent asshole though! b.s. I say.

Okay so jasswhole is pissing me off when I think about how she always gets pissed about unrighteous shit when I’m with her. If I was jhon she wouldn’t care, wtf is with women. I hate us. Not to generalize, which I hate doing.

My sister keeps bitching at me to deleting my moives off our DVR (Tivo but better) I’m like BITTCHH do you really NEED more than 19 hours of shit to watch? I’ll delete them when I’m done, slut. I NEED to finish watching horton hears a who or I won’t be cool so you can just burn in bitch ass whore sister hell.

Ok so I tried to download or watch 500 days of summer but duh like it’s not on-fucking line or in wisconsin anywhere, great assholes. mothafucka okay

hmmmmm I neeed to follow my shit. I hate it that I always try to scheule my life together but just give up. at least I didn’t eat again tonight. I had 4 waffles, 3 tacos, a drumstick and a damn doughnut today… I know so fat.

We went and bought fish…. so gay. haha I picked out these sweet ass glass fish that were ppink and green (flourescent)!!!one so yeah pimp ass. I kept singing the I wanna swim like guppies song from little bill. I need cats so I can name them smudge, pudge, buddgie, guppie and bubbles. SO CUTE

I don’t want to get a job EVER. but then I do and I NEED ONE. WHERE IS MY SETTLEMENT?!?!??! psh, whateveesss, bro. okay hmmm. anything else…

I hung out with Jess and Jon all weekend We went to a water park and jon was like being the nice prob. gay dude he is. I got jealous jessica vibes though. Me and jon kept going on the same intertube on slides and jess couldn’t keep up. Then we went out to dinner in rapids with jon jess and noah who annoys the shit out of me as of late, btw.  It was at perkins, duh at like 3 in da morn and then thier cards didn’t work noah bought me food. I bought my bag in between us, lol. Me and jon had so much in common and we went home to jess’s and watched coraline and haunting in conneticut. Me and jon then thought the same thing and then we made popcorn and jess was all why don’t you two get married? cause she always talks about her and jon’s marriage. JEALOUS MUCHO?

I fear I’ll never get over kyle or conor or ellen or how people hate me for no reason. I fear I’ll never lose this fucking weight or do anything useful. Whatever I’m going to go to sleep and listen to the coraline and 500 days of summer soundtracks. THE SMITHS AND THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS FTW. There’s this mechcanical lullaby, it’s so fucking cute.

Once me and molly watched this movie about the beast on bray road in WI. We were so poorly represented as whores and drunks. or both that it was hilarious. I laughed almost as much as when she told me that she had a dream that she beat this asshole to death with his own wooden leg, ah bed time stories.

So vouge came today. most exciting thing I guess. I’m only allowed to drink water from now until I go to bed. I say so. I have to shower, clean my room, beg mom to give me a necklace and go to bed early so I can get up tommorrow and see grandma at her engament/wedding party shit before she goes to hawaii.

I watched the man who fell to earth the other day… funnnn and definitley maybe. did I tell you that already? whatever

yesterday I saw harry potter with molly, her means of making up I guess. Bloody good film lots of snogging. lol and harry does this thing where he pretends to be a spider… fucking priceless. Tom felton, Ginny, Luna, and Emma looked so fucking fine. jesus christ.

I still feel perverted for saying that. man even nelville looks pretty fine.

the day before that we went to ben’s house because we hung around town and disc golfed waiting for hp but the line was too long. so we played shit at ben wolfs house until it was like 1:00 in the morning. My legs hurt so bad.

Molly got pissed that we were flirting and threw a childish silent treatment bullshit thing. I asked what was wrong because she got quiet and we all know that’s bad and she whined about not getting a word in and said that me and ben were too busy filrting. man we played disc golf and ben was trying to teach me how to throw like cliche and all it was cute.

There’s a movie called nothing personal on right now and I laughed because of all time low. what morons.

I want to watch matilda, I keep watching across the universe though. I love the beatles!

blah blah

I’m sick of my goddamn bad reputation. I guess I am a shit person.  I watched agust rush… so fucking cute.

later

Savages was okay and Now I’m watching the man who fell to earth.

flavor of the week something corporate steampunk

Watched burn after reading it sucked so bad and it actually irritated me.

ehhhhhhhh

nigghtt